Collaborative problem solving
Keeping it collaborative
A few weeks ago, in an article you can read here, I talked about punishment. I covered how it thwarts our goal to raise good humans who make good decisions, the unintended things our children learn from it, and better alternatives to help our children overcome misbehaviour and make good decisions. It was a comprehensive article, yet I was only able to dedicate less than 200 words to collaborative problem solving (one of the better alternatives), which frankly isn’t enough. So this week’s article is going to focus in on what collaborative problem solving is, how to use it, and what it means to make it truly collaborative.
Collaborative problem solving was pioneered by Dr Ross Greene, although he now calls his program Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, which you can learn more about here. His method has been empirically demonstrated as being effective at improving behaviour for severely irritable children, youth with oppositional defiant disorder, and is suitable for an array of settings ranging from in the home to dedicated treatment facilities. I’ll be referring to this method as collaborative problem solving in this article, as I’m not attempting to precisely describe his method, but rather the general ideas and adapting them for use with families dealing with an ordinary level of misbehaviour.
Dr Greene suggests that misbehaviour could more accurately be described as a mismatch between behavioural expectations and the skills the child currently possesses to meet those expectations. When we consider misbehaviour in this light, our focus shifts from controlling the behaviour, to getting to the root cause and addressing the problems that are causing the misbehaviour in the first place.
Dr Greene focuses on using this approach proactively, as the same misbehaviours tend to predictably recur until the root cause is addressed. I believe we can also use the same steps following misbehaviour (after emotions have de-escalated), as we teach our children how to make reparations. In each case, the steps are similar.
1. Explore
We start by trying to take the perspective of our child and understand what led to their actions, or what is making it difficult to consistently meet an expectation. It’s not an interrogation, or a time to make assumptions. Instead, we’re approaching them with empathy, and a real desire to understand their point of view.
2. Explain
We then explain why their behaviour wasn’t acceptable (in a given situation), or why their pattern of behaviour isn’t acceptable (talking proactively). We expound on the impact their behaviour is having on us or on others, and the potential negative consequences to them as well.
3. Enable
We then problem solve together, determining what reparations are necessary (in the case of responding to misbehaviour), or the potential solutions that could be implemented to respect everyone’s needs and preferences.
Sometimes moving through these steps is relatively easy, and it doesn’t take long to arrive at a functional solution. For example, we recently had an issue where my 5 year old wasn’t always putting on his helmet before riding his bike. He already knew why helmets are important (it’s a frequent topic of conversation in our household), but through exploring his perspective we realised that the barrier he was experiencing was that his helmet wasn’t always easily accessible. In just 2 minutes we arrived at a workable solution and moved the helmets to a different shelf in the garage.
However, other misbehaviours aren’t as easy to address, and might require multiple rounds of collaborative problem solving. I want to share another example, again with my 5 year old. However, in this example, we haven’t yet arrived at a functioning solution, at least not one that works every time. It’s still a work in progress, but it highlights an important part of collaborative problem solving that often gets overlooked.
I’ve written before (many times apparently, see here, here, and here) about my 5 year old and his temper. He is a whole body kid. It’s not just a smile, it’s jumping around, giving squeezy hugs or happy wrestling, and tumbling upside down on the couch. His happiness is contagious.
Unfortunately, he shows his anger and frustration with his whole body too. Not content with frowns or yelling, he throws things, stomps around, and often pushes or hits. His anger is contagious too, and it’s often difficult to stay calm as we ride out the storm of his emotions. Mercifully the storm is often short lived, and within a few minutes he’s often back to bouncing around in happiness again.
Once he’s calm (or at least as calm as his energetic little body ever gets), we problem solve together. He’s really good at identifying what made him feel so mad in the first place, tidying up the mess he made from throwing things around, and making a plan for what he can do differently next time his sister snatches his toy/his sandcastle falls down/he can’t find shorts that don’t touch his knees.
Yet even with our plan, it wouldn’t be long before another situation would set him off. So we started making plans for other things he could do in any triggering situation. We set up a calm down corner, printed off pictures with prompts for calming breathwork, and we dedicated some cardboard boxes out of the recycling for him to rip up.
But with all these plans and potential solutions, there was a key component of collaborative problem solving that I was forgetting. We were only focusing on what HE could do differently next time, and how we could support him in that effort. We weren’t asking him what he wanted US to do differently.
Our problem solving was collaborative in the sense that we were talking, listening to each other, and coming to solutions together. But we weren’t collaborative in the way that we were expecting him to do all the changing, with us just setting up the environment and supporting him to make a change.
While it’s true that our kids have more learning to do than us, that doesn’t mean that we can’t also improve. We can also be asking them (and, introspectively, ourselves) what we can do differently. Maybe they do need to work on going to a calm down corner instead of throwing things, but we might need to work on taking deep breaths instead of yelling. They might need to work on asking for help during moments of sibling tension, but we might need to work on responding to their pleas for help before things escalate. They might need to work on using their words instead of their fists, but we might need to work on being less distracted and more present during family time.
Once I realised what I was overlooking, I was able to ask him not just what he could do differently next time, but what I could do differently too. He let me know that when he’s mad, he likes to have some space. He calms down much quicker if I let him throw things in his room alone (where nothing can be broken), than if I’m restraining him from throwing things downstairs (where there are plenty of things we can’t let him throw).
I wish that I could say that asking him what I could do differently was the magic solution. I wish I could say that we’ve since gotten to the root of the problem, and we haven’t had to deal with throwing, yelling, or hitting since.
Alas, not so. As I said earlier, misbehaviour is a mismatch between expectations and the skills needed to meet those expectations, and skills take time to develop. A single problem solving session may identify the skills deficit, and generate ideas on how to start building up those skills, but it won’t result in those skills being immediately available for use the next time the situation calls for them. It’s a process, and sometimes a lengthy one. It might take months, with many rounds of collaborative problem solving, before a situation is resolved satisfactorily.
Misbehaviour following collaborative problem solving isn’t a sign that this approach doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean that we need to resort to threats or punishments to get them into line. It just means that the skills need more time to build, or that the environment could still be more supportive. It means that we have another opportunity to practice our communication skills, strengthen our ability to take another’s perspective, and build logical reasoning as we think of new potential solutions together.
It's disappointing that we must face the misbehaviour again. But it’s also an opportunity for growth.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! How are you putting collaboration into collaborative problem solving?
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I'm realizing more and more that collaboration is the key to building trust. When anyone, and certainly kids, feels like you're both working toward the same goal, it's a lot easier to be open and honest and know the other person has your back. I also understand that when your own stress levels are high it can be really hard to do. But I do think it's so important if we want to build strong relationships with our kids.