In the last week I’ve had three experiences which all tie together to teach us something really important.
First, I was away on family camp for the long weekend. My 4 year old was melting down…again. It’s hard being 4. It’s hard being hungry because it’s almost lunch time. It’s hard not getting enough sleep because of the excitement of being in an unfamiliar place. It’s hard when you can’t do what you’re trying to do. It’s hard when you’re meeting lots of new people. Put them all together, and it’s no wonder he was melting down.
It would have been easy to be embarrassed. No one else’s kid was throwing punches at their parent. And while I was feeling a lot of eyes on me, I was able to dispel that inner voice telling me that I needed to teach my son some respect. So instead of raising my voice or inflicting a punishment, I was able to calmly hold the limit that it’s not ok to hurt people, and then sit with him while he let the anger out of his body.
Second, I was out during the week with my home-schooling group. We were wrapping up and it was time for one of the other families to go. Their son was not happy about that. In fact, he was getting really worked up, and started throwing punches at his mum.
This time, I was the eyes. And I saw a mother who didn’t angrily react to the situation, but instead compassionately set a limit that it’s not ok to hit. She gently acknowledged his anger and allowed him to express it while setting boundaries around behaviour. He quickly calmed down, and was able to regulate enough that he happily said goodbye to us all before leaving.
Lastly, I was out at the park with my kids. I was watching them happily go up and down the slide and run around the playground equipment, when I noticed another child starting to get a bit worked up. It was time for him to go home, and he was not happy about it. He was letting his mum know his displeasure through whinging and complaining. And she harshly shut that down, saying something along the lines of “that’s enough, it’s time to go right now”. She reacted, and while she wasn’t angry, she also wasn’t particularly compassionate. And I felt sorry for the child. He hadn’t had the opportunity to express his feelings.
Here's what I learnt from these three interactions. No one is judging you for how your child acts. We get it. Kids get angry. They yell sometimes. They even punch and kick and bite. It’s just what happens when you’re a little person learning how to regulate big feelings. The judgement doesn’t come from seeing a child throw a tantrum. It comes from seeing how you react and respond to it.
Our worst parenting happens when we act out of fear. Fear of what others are thinking of us. Fear of being seen as disrespected or not in control of our kids. Fear of being seen as weak or permissive. Fear that if we don’t stamp out this behaviour right now, they’ll grow up to be adults who throw tantrums. Fear drives us to yell, to be excessively strict, to set punitive punishments or even smack in order to show our child who is boss, to teach them a lesson.
Our best parenting happens when we tune out the fear. When we treat our child with empathy and compassion. When we focus on regulating ourselves and responding kindly, accepting the feelings while holding limits on unacceptable behaviour. When we try to see the situation through our child’s eyes and help them work through their big emotions.
When we focus on the one person whose behaviour we can control. Us.
When our child throws a tantrum at the check out line, that’s not our fault! When we react angrily, that is our fault!
When our child hits another child on the playground, that’s not our fault! When we smack them to teach them a lesson, that is our fault!
When our child yells at their little sister, that’s not our fault! When we yell at them to go to their room, that is our fault!
Yes, there are things we can do preventatively to limit how often they meltdown, yell, hit and lose control. But we can’t prevent every tantrum. Yet we CAN control how we react in those moments.
It is not called childing. It’s not about them. It’s not about how they act.
It’s called parenting. It’s about you. It’s about how you react. It’s about how you regulate yourself in tough moments.
The only person you can control is you.
You’ve got this!
Beck xx