I can’t remember where I first read about futility. I think it was in an article describing how futility is such an important moment for our kids – they get frustrated about something, get angry, and only when the tears come because they’ve reached futility can healing begin. It explained that only once the tears come can our kids open themselves to the possibility of trying something different.
Since then, I’ve noticed how futility works to heal frustration in my kids. My middle child in particular (Mr 4) is particularly prone to getting frustrated and exploding into a furious tantrum. The other day, he wanted the monster truck his older brother had. He was told that he could have it in 10 minutes, but that wasn’t good enough for him. He kept nagging, but when he still couldn’t have it he very quickly exploded into anger. Because he often gets physically aggressive when he gets really angry, I bundled him up and took him to another room, and held him tight so that he couldn’t hurt anyone. He thrashed around and tried to escape, but then futility sunk in. He realised that he couldn’t hurt anyone, that he couldn’t escape to snatch away the monster truck. And then the tears started to flow. His body started to calm, and I was able to let him go and hug him instead. Finally we got to the point where we could make a plan for what we could do together while he waited for his turn with the monster truck.
Futility is the first step to healing from frustration. It allowed him to consider that what he was doing wasn’t working, and begin to think about other ways to approach the problem.
However, futility isn’t just something for our kids to feel. Since learning about futility, I’ve started to see how important it is for me to feel it too.
Sometimes we get caught in the same situations day after day. The kids won’t tidy up their toys before bed. We have to nag them the same way every day to get them to clear their plates from the table. We are constantly asking them to pick up their shoes.
The thing is, as adults we often think that we’re right, and it’s our kids who are wrong. They are not listening. They are not doing the right thing. They are not complying. So we move into frustration, even feeling like our frustration and anger is justified. We wouldn’t need to be angry if they just did what they were told.
But if we could instead move into futility, we could start to heal and grow.
When we recognise our frustration can we give in to futility.
Only then can we start to look for new solutions.
Here’s how it can work. The other day my frustration had reached it’s peak. It was the same pattern every day – I cook dinner, then I clear the table and I set the table and I gather the drink bottles and I bring the food to the table, while everyone else just mucks around. And I’d had it. I was angry.
But after a brief moment of anger, I gave into futility. I didn’t need to cry, but I did need to realise that what I was doing just wasn’t working. From there, I was able to talk about it with my family. I let them know that me doing everything to get the table ready for dinner wasn’t fair, and I wanted to make a new plan. The kids gladly accepted new special jobs to help set the table. Now when it comes to dinner time, I don’t have to give in to frustration dailly, because I healthily lent into futility and worked with my family to make a new plan.
It's easy to see when our kids need to accept futility. To us, it’s obvious that the square peg isn’t going to fit into the round hole. We see their frustration and know that if they just accepted that they have the wrong peg they could put it down and find the right one.
As adults, it’s not so obvious. But if you’re getting frustrated about the same situations day after day, you’re probably trying to push a square peg through a round hole.
Instead of giving into frustration and anger, acknowledge that it’s not working. Accept futility. Change. Grow. Heal.