I've been curious about warned consequences (punishment by another name). Please don't do that or...
Then they do it.
Is this introducing an unnecessary power struggle? They 'have' to do the thing, because it's in their control? Or they learn that they can choose to do it, but there are direct outcomes for doing it? I suppose it comes down to developmental appropriateness.
In short though, warnings are fine. We can say things like "please don't leave your lunchbox in your bag over the weekend or the food will go bad". That's a warning. It's making them aware of the consequences, and we're comfortable with letting them live those consequences if they choose to ignore us. There's no power struggle, because we're inviting them to make their own choice
On the other hand, "please don't leave your lunchbox in your bag over the weekend or you'll be grounded" is a threat, and that's inviting a power struggle. There's no way they feel like they "win", because either they're letting us control them or they're grounded
Obviously this only works when we're ok with either choice, and that's not always the case. "Please hold my hand or you might be hit by a car" isn't really a situation where we want to let them make their own choice. In those cases, it's about giving them as much control as we can within our boundaries - "you can hold this hand or I can carry you"
https://open.substack.com/pub/beckdelahoy/p/warnings-vs-threats?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=21hm6o
I've been curious about warned consequences (punishment by another name). Please don't do that or...
Then they do it.
Is this introducing an unnecessary power struggle? They 'have' to do the thing, because it's in their control? Or they learn that they can choose to do it, but there are direct outcomes for doing it? I suppose it comes down to developmental appropriateness.
This article might help!
In short though, warnings are fine. We can say things like "please don't leave your lunchbox in your bag over the weekend or the food will go bad". That's a warning. It's making them aware of the consequences, and we're comfortable with letting them live those consequences if they choose to ignore us. There's no power struggle, because we're inviting them to make their own choice
On the other hand, "please don't leave your lunchbox in your bag over the weekend or you'll be grounded" is a threat, and that's inviting a power struggle. There's no way they feel like they "win", because either they're letting us control them or they're grounded
Obviously this only works when we're ok with either choice, and that's not always the case. "Please hold my hand or you might be hit by a car" isn't really a situation where we want to let them make their own choice. In those cases, it's about giving them as much control as we can within our boundaries - "you can hold this hand or I can carry you"
Hope that makes sense!