Punishment has more to do with how we're feeling than what our kids are doing

Yes, really

I’m going to say something potentially controversial.

Punishment isn’t about your kids. It’s about you.

Here’s what I mean.

Punishment doesn’t work. I’ve talked about that before (you can read more here, or another here. And just for fun, here’s one more). But just for example, if a kid is acting out because they’re tired, putting them in time out will be far less effective at helping them behave better in the future than just putting them down for a nap. Or if they’re throwing a tantrum because they’re hungry, threatening them with physical punishment will not improve their behaviour any more than just giving them a snack (snacks > smacks). Addressing the underlying causes and empowering them to make better choices will always improve their behaviour more than punishing them.

Misbehaviour happens when there is a mismatch between our expectations and our child’s ability to meet those expectations. It could be because those expectations haven’t been communicated clearly, like when your preschooler pees on a headstone because no-one has taught them that bush wees aren’t appropriate in cemeteries. It could be because they haven’t yet developed the skills they need to meet the expectation, like when you find your 6-year-old playing instead of tidying up their toys because they haven’t yet strengthened their executive functioning skills. It could be a temporary skills-deficit, like when your 9-year-old is extra whiny because they have a cold and are running on less energy and patience than normal. Or it could be that the environment wasn’t supportive enough, like when your toddler refuses to brush their teeth because they can’t stand how minty their new toothpaste is.

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

In each case, we can logically see that putting them in time out, taking away privileges, or inflicting any other punishment (no matter how logically it seems to be linked with their misbehaviour) is not going to do anything to narrow that gap between our expectations and their abilities. What would help is clearly outlining expectations beforehand and engaging in collaborative problem-solving to identify where skills can be developed or the environment changed.

Yet sometimes, no matter how strongly we believe in other forms of discipline, we sometimes feel the need to punish our kids. As Alfie Kohn wrote in his brilliant book, Punished by Rewards:

“The temptation to punish grows as the act persists, not because punishment becomes inherently more sensible but because we become more desperate”

We don’t punish our kids because they had a hard time regulating their emotions. We punish them because we’re having a hard time regulating ours.

In general, we throw out threats and dole out punishments when we feel like we’ve lost control of our kids; when we’re feeling angry, scared, frustrated, desperate. Punishing them is our way of clawing back power over them. That’s why we don’t tend to punish our kids when we’re in a good mood, or at least the punishments that are inflicted are much less harsh.

Truly, the size of the punishment has far less to do with the severity of the misbehaviour and far more to do with the strength of our reaction to it.

And if you think about it even more, the punishments we often inflict sound a lot like those our kids use on each other when they’re mad. “I’m not playing with you anymore!” sounds a lot like a time-out. “I’m not letting you play with my toys ever again!” sounds a lot like withdrawal of privileges. And hitting each other? Well, I think it’s time we all out-grow that one.

So, the next time your child misbehaves, skip the grown-up temper tantrum. Instead of jumping straight to punishments to control their behaviour, try regulating your emotions so you can control yours.

---

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Am I missing the mark? Is there more to punishment than adult dis-regulation?

Oh, and before you go

If you enjoyed this article, and want to read more, consider subscribing for free. That way you won't miss a single article, they'll appear right in your email inbox.

But if you can't wait for next week, check out my archives! There’s something there for everyone, including this one about loving our kids, and ourselves, unconditionally.

Unconditional love

Or upgrade to paid, and receive my bonus content as well! There’s an article coming up about the myth of natural birth.

Beck xx