What's wrong with co-sleeping with a 6 year old?

Nothing... absolutely nothing

Last week I found myself sitting next to two strangers at my sons’ parkour lesson. One of them was explaining to the other that her poor sister just wasn’t getting any sleep and pinned it on the fact that they were ‘gentle parents’. She was certain that the problem was that her sister had occasionally brought her baby into the bed with her, and that this was causing the frequent wake ups and sleep disruptions. Finally, she told her friend that she had never, EVER, brought her own child into bed. It was a hard no. She knew of people who had and now their 6 year olds were still climbing into bed with them. Ugh. They both agreed and moved on to chatting about something else.

I so wanted to say something.

But I was busy feeding my 3 year old (co-sleeping) daughter a cucumber, and she does not tolerate being made to wait for the next slice of cucumber, so I bit my tongue and sliced up more cucumber.

This is what I would have said, given the chance:

Me: What’s wrong with co-sleeping with a 6 year old?

Them: It’s just not normal!

Me: What do you mean, it’s not normal? A child having their own bed is a luxury that has only happened within the last 200 years. Before that it was the norm for a whole family to sleep huddled in the same sleeping space. Even now, co-sleeping is the norm for most of the world. In China over a third of school-aged kids share a bed with their parents, and in India it’s even more common with 93% of school-aged kids still co-sleeping. In fact, even looking within Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, and Democratic countries (like Australia, the US, Canada, and the UK – which represent a minority of the world’s population) across the lifespan, most people spend the majority of their lives co-sleeping. Once we become adults, it’s somehow normal to share a bed with your spouse or partner. It’s only during the relatively short window of childhood and adolescence that co-sleeping with someone else is considered “unusual”.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Them: But it’s not safe for babies!

Me: Actually, planned co-sleeping using the Safe Sleep Seven is just as safe, or even better, than having baby in their own sleep space. It helps to regulate their body temperature, breathing, and heart rate. And that’s just until they’re 4 months old. The risks of co-sleeping drop even further as the baby gets older.

Them: But surely, it’s not good for their social development! They’ll never become independent!

Me: If by ‘independence’ you mean ‘can fall asleep by themselves’, then sure, it’s not the best. However, studies have shown that preschoolers who bed share are more self-reliant (by, for example, getting themselves dressed) and show more social independence (like being able to make friends by themselves) than solitary sleepers. And if we look even more long-term, a longitudinal study found that there were absolutely no differences between bed-sharers and solitary sleepers by 18 years of age in terms of behaviour or relationship problems.

Them: But sleep training gives me better sleep.

Sleep training does increase the length of the first sleep duration by about 15 minutes, and co-sleeping is associated with increased awakenings overnight. However, co-sleeping also results in reduced overall wake times for parents. So, while you might wake more frequently, you’ll have MORE total sleep by co-sleeping than by enforcing solitary sleep through sleep-training.

Them: But what about my marriage? How can I spend time with my husband if my kid is there?

It is quite easy to start your six-year-old, or even your six-month-old, in their own sleeping space at the beginning of the night. Spend some time together, do what you want in that big empty bed of yours, and then either bring your baby into bed with you when you’re ready for sleep or wait for them to join you themselves. They probably won’t wake up until the early hours of the morning anyway, right about the time the temperature really drops, and you might appreciate that little warm body for extra snuggles. In fact, intentional bed-sharing isn’t associated with any decrease in marital or sexual satisfaction.

Them: But….

Me: There are even more benefits! Do you know how sweet those morning snuggles are? You can’t truly describe the feeling where the first thing you experience in the day is a tiny arm holding you closer. And when a child is sick, you don’t need to sleep on their floor to be on call with the vomit bucket. And it’s easier to get your child out of night-time nappies, because you are aware of when they’re moving into a lighter phase of sleep and can be prompted to do a wee. And you don’t have to wash the kids’ sheets as often, because they’re only used for half of the night.

So, what’s wrong with your 6 year old climbing into your bed?

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I'd love to hear your thoughts! Why are so many people opposed to having their kids jump into bed with them? Do you let your kids in bed with you?

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Beck xx