I was a high achiever at high school. Getting 100% on a test was standard. I was top of the class. Dux of the year. I was voted “most likely to achieve” at the end of year 12.
I don’t think I’ve lived up to what everyone thought that should mean. I haven’t done a PhD. I’m not employed in an executive position in a big corporation. I haven’t made any ground-breaking discoveries. My journal articles have only been cited by 20 people. My newsletter hasn’t gone viral. I don’t appear in the news or on TV. In fact, my primary identity now is “stay at home mum”, which is quite literally the lowest paying job around.
But I have something better than ‘success’– I’m living a life of purpose.
It’s hard to notice it when you observe me in my day-to-day life – changing nappies, making fart jokes, folding laundry (oh so much laundry), and trying to do yoga with kids literally crawling all over me. Yet ask me what I’ve been up to lately, and you’ll see my eyes light up as I tell you about the blubber experiment we’re doing in nature group this week as we learn about seals, or how I recently beat my record for the half marathon and am feeling pumped about the 22K trail running event I’ve got coming up. Listen to my excitement as I tell you about the things I’ve learnt about air (who knew that it would be such a fascinating topic!) through our homeschooling activities. Share my joy as I talk about the person who told me that one of my recent articles brought them hope and guidance.
When we really take a moment to evaluate what we want in our lives, I think that most of us prefer purpose over achievements. We want to live a meaningful life.
And we want that for our kids too. Yet we sometimes act as though success is the thing that matters.
We ask, “How did you go on the test?” instead of “Were you kind to someone today?”
We cheer from the sidelines at their tiny tots basketball game, instead of asking them and ourselves if it wouldn’t be more enjoyable to throw the ball around together in the backyard instead.
We make time to help them with their homework, but not for an hour to take them to the playground.
We show by our words and our actions that achievements matter. At the same time, we assume that time spent on things that we can’t measure is wasted– like the time spent drawing horses over and over again, or the time laying on the grass watching the clouds float by, or the time digging a really big hole. And by cutting into that time to hurry them along the path of ‘success’, we stunt their development into artists or meteorologists or archaeologists. By cutting into unstructured, unorganized, ‘unproductive’ time, we prevent the wandering introspection necessary for living a life of meaning.
So how do we shift back to helping them find purpose?
To be honest, I don’t fully know. The pursuit of status, fame, wealth, and achievements is so ingrained in society that it can feel dangerous to turn our backs on it… like our kids won’t achieve their potential if we don’t push them towards it.
But there’s probably a few things that we can do.
Take the focus away from the number – whether that’s the number written at the top of their test or the number of goals they scored at the last game. In our society, we like to boil things down to a number – a student’s ATAR score, the number on the scales, the world ranking of the tennis player. The number is a snapshot, but it’s never the full picture. And when we give undue weight to the number, we miss out on so much information that is even more valuable. For example, instead of asking what score they got on the test, ask them what the most interesting thing was that they learnt in that unit of study.
Don’t interrupt play if you don’t have to – even if it looks pointless. We might only see the mud on the clothes and the gaping hole in the backyard, but your kid might be noticing how the soil changes as they dig further down, or how far roots can spread from a tree, or that they like the way their body feels as they physically exert themselves. They’re always learning, either about the world around them or about themselves, even if we can’t see and quantify their progress.
Set the example – by doing things that give your life meaning. Don’t wait until you have time to start doing the things you’ve always wanted to do. You don’t need to make a drastic change (in fact, I’d dissuade you from doing that because you’re more likely to quit if you do), but just commit an hour a week or a few minutes a day to work towards something that brings you deep satisfaction. All It Takes Is A Goal by Jon Acuff is a great resource if your goals currently seem more like dreams, or if you’re not even sure what it would look like to fulfill your potential.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! How are you going to help your kids live a meaningful life? What are you doing to live a meaningful life yourself? Homeschooling is definitely part of our efforts to live purposefully.
Oh, and before you go
If you enjoyed this article, and want to read more, consider subscribing for free. That way you won't miss a single article, they'll appear right in your email inbox.
But if you can't wait for next week, check out my archives! There’s something there for everyone, including this early piece about why giving up is important for getting on.
Or upgrade to paid, and receive my bonus content as well!