The dependency paradox

Building independent kids

My 3-year-old has recently started kinder. She was so excited to start, very happy about her big backpack and eager to explore the new playground and toys.

Then she realised that I wasn’t going to stay with her the whole time, and that kinder wasn’t a one-time experience.

She still loves kinder. She doesn’t want to leave when I come to pick her up and claims that she wants to live at kinder “forever and ever”. But drop-off time is consistently difficult. She clings to me, holding onto my leg while I walk to the door before I gently peel her off and pass her to the kinder teacher.

If you only looked at her behaviour in this one moment, you might say that she’s not very independent.

Photo by BBC Creative on Unsplash

Mr 6 has recently started parkour. The running and the tumbling and the climbing are right up his alley, and he loves it. But last week he was reluctant to join in. It was bring-a-friend week, and he was unsure about all the new faces. He wanted to just watch, and it took him about 20 minutes before he was ready to join the class. This is a common theme for him. We ended up pulling him out of gymnastics class last year after he realised that not every week would be like the one-on-one class he had for his trial week. He is very reserved about doing things in front of other kids, particularly if they are kids he doesn’t know.

If you only looked at his behaviour in this one moment, you might say that he’s not very independent.

My 8-year-old doesn’t like bedtime. He enjoys listening to the audiobook to wind down, but when it’s time to go to sleep he sometimes gets agitated. He wants someone to lie down with him, and while cuddling him to sleep is a special part of my day, I don’t often have time to lie down with him for an hour or more. I need him to get a head start on quieting his thoughts while I put on a load of washing, get bags prepped for the next day, and chase down library books, so that he’s actually ready to sleep when I join him.

But sometimes he demands that I join him straight away. Or he pops out of his room repeatedly to ask how much longer I’ll be (and then counts down the seconds before popping out again to say that it’s been 5 minutes). Sometimes he even wants to sit and watch me (which after a long day of spending time together, is the last thing I have patience for).

If you only looked at his behaviour in this one moment, you might say that he’s not very independent.

Yet he can cook an entire meal almost entirely without help. He can confidently talk to people he has just met at the library or the park. He can be left ‘home alone’ (with my husband working upstairs) and be relied on to get his own snacks, fill up his water bottle, and find ways to entertain himself without using screens.

Likewise, my 6-year-old can independently use a leaf blower and a variety of other garden tools. He will happily spend an hour an hour or more playing by himself, building his own world. He won’t come check on me at all for the 3 or 4 hours we are out at our homeschooling groups. He wears his t-shirts back-to-front on purpose, confident in his own style.

Similarly, Miss 3 can get herself dressed. She can assert herself when playing with kids twice her age. She frequently tells me “I do it on my own”. She is assertive (aka bossy) and knows her own mind (aka stubborn).

They are all highly independent in most areas of their lives.

Yet here is a sampling of the type of advice I would be likely to receive if I asked how to support them in the specific issues we are having.

“Leave her with other caregivers more often so she gets used to it.”

“Don’t talk to him during class time if he’s not participating.”

“Put him in bed and then don’t engage with him again until morning.”

In each case, the suggested method of encouraging independence is to reduce connection. People generally believe that accepting expressions of dependence creates more dependence, and that dependence is a sign of weakness that should be discouraged.

Yet Dr Laura Markham has taught:

“When we repeatedly break our connection with our child, whether in the name of discipline or independence, it undermines the close relationship we’ve worked so hard to build.”

And in a research article titled ‘The Dependency Paradox in Close Relationships’, researcher Brooke C. Feeney explores how accepting dependence promotes independence. While this work explored independence and dependence in adult relationships, it built on pioneering work done by Ainsworth and Bowlby which found that children are more independently explorative when they have a secure base from which to explore (in other words, a parent who meets their dependency needs). Importantly, this study explored their hypothesis from many angles – including self-report, partner-report, observational data, and included a follow-up analysis 6 months later. Each element of the study found the same things:

“That the acceptance of and responsiveness to a close other’s attachment needs enables that person to explore the world confidently and independently”, and that “this research suggests that one way to assist a relationship partner in reaching his or her full potential as the most capable, autonomously functioning individual he or she can be involves demonstrating an availability and accessibility when the individual feels threatened and when he or she is in need of comfort and support”.

While this study focused on adults, we can apply these findings to any relationship. We best support our children to become more independent by responding positively to them when they come to us needing attachment. We best help our children to become the most capable and confident people they can be by being available when they need comfort and support.

I have found that Miss 3 does better at kinder drop off if I thoroughly connected with her at pick-up time the previous day. I wrap her up in our baby carrier and walk her home or cuddle her on the picnic mat while she eats a snack.

Mr 6 is more likely to join in his parkour class if I don’t push him away. I let him sit on the sidelines with me and ask him to explain what he is nervous about. I validate what he is feeling and help him to notice the children and teachers he is familiar with. When he’s feeling ready, I walk with him to his group.

My 8-year-old is most likely to stay in bed until I’m ready to snuggle him (or even put himself to bed independently!) when I give him a big hug and kiss and assure him that I will come back. When I remind him how much I love cuddling him and that I will be there as soon as I’ve wrapped up the other things that I need to do.

Our children want to be independent. But they’re not ready for it all at once. And they might seem courageous and confident in many aspects of their lives and then be clingy and needy in others. This is normal! And the best way to help them move past their clinginess and neediness isn’t to shut them down for needing us or to push them towards independence. It is to be available for them in their dependence. Assuring them that we are still a safe base for them to explore from.

Reminding them that, even as they grow bigger and climb higher, we are still their safety net to fall back into whenever they need us.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts! Where are your kids struggling to gain independence?

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