I’ve talked before about how punishments aren’t great for accomplishing our long-term goals in parenting. Sure, they secure immediate compliance, but at the cost of inciting sneakiness, dampening the development of morals, and ultimately leading to rebelliousness.
Yet I’ve also talked about how kids need limits. Limits help us feel safe (in much the same way a guardrail on a bridge helps us feel safe).
Obviously, kids need to know about those limits. But isn’t informing them of those limits the same as a threat? And aren’t threats essentially a proactive form of punishment, with the goal to manipulate them into compliance?
Providing information about limits can be a threat, but it can also be a warning. It might seem like just a difference in semantics, but there’s actually a big difference between the two.
Threats have the intention to control behaviour.
Warnings have the intention to influence behaviour.
In practice, this means that a threat promises a punishment that is big enough to manipulate behaviour. While the punishment may be enforced, what the parent really wanted was for the behaviour to change, and next time a similar situation arises the parent is likely to threaten an even greater punishment.
On the other hand, a warning aims to make children aware of the consequence that will follow, but the parent isn’t allowing themselves to be invested in forcing a certain behaviour. While they have a preference for what the child chooses, and are trying to influence that choice, the parent is willing to bear either outcome.
“If you don’t do your homework, you won’t be allowed to go to Amanda’s party!” is a threat. The parent wants the homework to get done and is intending to punish the child into compliance.
“Amanda’s party starts at 7pm. You won’t have time to do your homework afterwards, so you’ll need to do it before the party starts. I can take you there as soon as your homework is done.” is a warning. The parent wants to support the child to do their homework and is informing the child about the time they have available to do it. But they’re also ok with it not getting done. They are not trying to force compliance.
Threats place the power with the parent.
Warnings place the power with the child.
In practice, this means that a threat looks like a bigger person trying to push the littler person around.
On the other hand, a warning allows the little person to make their own decisions.
“If you keep kicking the ball inside the house, I’m going to take it away.” is a threat. The power is with the parent, and the parent is showing the child that they must listen to them or risk losing their ball.
“I’m worried about things getting broken from the ball bouncing around inside. I’ll look after the ball while you think of a safer place to kick it.” is a warning. It places the power with the child, and the child can choose for themselves where to kick the ball without the fear of losing their ball in the long term. At the same time, the parent is kindly but firmly holding onto the limit that balls aren’t kicked inside the house.
Threats are reactive.
Warnings remind children of previously agreed upon limits.
In practice, this means that threats are thrown out when a parent feels that they are out of control, and they react to try and get that control back. Because threats are reactive, the parent often hasn’t had time to think through the consequence, and so will threaten things that they aren’t actually willing to carry out.
On the other hand, warnings are based on consequences and limits that have been discussed previously, or at least are as minimally controlling as possible. While many issues can be foreseen and game plans agreed upon beforehand (like rules around screen time use), there are things that suddenly come up. When that happens, a warning can be used to implement a pause and provide an opportunity for a game plan to be decided on together.
“You’ve been on screens enough today. Turn it off now or you’ll lose screen time for the rest of the week.” is a threat. It’s reacting to what the parent sees as a problem and attempts to force the child into immediate compliance.
“You’ve reached your screen time limit for today. I want to remind you that we decided that you’ve got 5 minutes to finish up what you’re doing and turn the screen off, or you’ll miss out on screen time for the rest of the week.” is a warning. The rules were determined in advance and agreed upon together.
Threats are emotionally charged.
Warnings are neutral.
Because threats are about control, a parent throws them out when they feel angry, frustrated, or scared.
On the other hand, parents are calm when they offer a warning. They are managing their triggers.
“If you don’t get down from there now, we’re going straight home.” is a threat, it’s a fear-based reaction. The parent is concerned that the child will get hurt and is allowing their reaction to be led by that fear.
“If you keep climbing so high, it’s going to hurt a lot if you fall.” is a warning. The parent is concerned that the child will get hurt but is managing their own emotions and allowing the child to make a choice.
Threats are about power, control, and fear. Warnings are about choice and reasonable limits.
If you imagine a cliff, a threat says, I’m so scared about you falling that if you get close to the edge, I’ll make you regret it so you don’t go near the edge again. A warning says, I’m concerned about you falling off the edge, so I’ll build a fence to prevent you getting close and allow you to choose if you want to look at the sea from the fence or find another way down. Or, if the fall isn’t too threatening, I’ll just let you know what dangers are possible if you fall down and how hard it is to get back up, and let you choose for yourself if you want to risk those consequences.
Threats carry with them all the same issues as punishments do. They feel manipulative and coercive, and no one likes to have their behaviour controlled. On the other hand, warnings let the child know that we are on their side. We enforce necessary limits, but we’re going to do it kindly and find mutually agreeable solutions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! What is a recent threat you’ve employed, and how could you re-work that moment to use a warning instead?
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