The definition of insanity
How to change your approach when things aren't working
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When I was pregnant with my first, we did a birth class at the hospital. We learnt about birth positions, pain relief options, and saw a demonstration where contractions and birth were modelled with a balloon and a ping pong ball.
Here’s what was not taught in those classes: everything that happens to me after the baby is born. Nothing about cramps while breastfeeding in the early days. Nothing about how I might view my birth as traumatic. Nothing about how it still hurts after the baby comes out.
The same happened in my new parents’ class. I learnt how to do baby massage, and introduce solids, and how to set up a safe sleep space.
But beyond a screening question to see if I was really depressed, I was invisible.
Maybe your post-natal experience was different. But I doubt it. We tend to ask new mothers questions about how the baby is sleeping and if the baby is feeding well, instead of asking if the mother is sleeping well and eating enough.
Well, I want to ask you about your postpartum experience. I want to know what the biggest challenges were, and what made it easier. Your experiences will help inform the information I put into the postpartum chapter of the book I’m working on, so I want to hear as many varied experiences as possible – both good and bad ones.
So if you can make time for a quick chat with me, leave me a note in the comments or hit reply to this email!
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Now on to the main article!
The definition of insanity
It could be described as Persistence. Optimism. Forgetfulness.
However, it has most commonly been described as Insanity. The practice of doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.
I only recently escaped an insanity trap that I had fallen into.
Every Sunday we go to church. Without fail, I would be eyeing the clock 20 minutes in, counting down the minutes until we could leave, and I would no longer have to shush, whisper “be quiet” through gritted teeth, or carry out a crying toddler. I remember feeling immensely grateful the week that I had been assigned to share my thoughts with the congregation, and I was able to sit up the front away from my little monsters delightful children and actually listen to the other speakers for once.
We had been continuing with something that had worked for a time – asking them to choose their own toys for their Sunday bags – even though it clearly wasn’t working for us anymore.
Then one day, I realised that I was in an insanity trap. And the key to getting out of it wasn’t honing my whispering skills or fine-tuning my shushing technique. I needed to completely change my approach. So I sat down the next Saturday evening and I overhauled the system.
Now, I go to church armed with my Sunday bag. It contains Cheerios, stickers, colouring books, threading activities, and Geostix. And it guarantees me an hour of quiet children.
Whenever you find yourself repeating a dynamic without results, you have two options. You can keep doing what you were doing, with optimism that this time will be different and then growing frustration when it’s not. Or you can stop and ask, “What am I doing that simply isn’t working?”.
You can escape the insanity trap, but to do so you need to be willing to change your approach.
Maybe you’re in an insanity trap too. It could be that bedtime is dragging out longer than you would like. Maybe homework is a nightly battle. Or you could be frustrated that you’ve turned into a short order cook, making multiple meals every dinner time to meet the picky requests of each of your children.
If you’re stuck, here’s 5 simple things to keep in mind as you unstick yourself:
1. Your current approach isn’t working. Pushing harder isn’t suddenly going to make it work. Accepting this is the crucial first step.
2. Determine what your non-negotiables are. This will help you see where the limits really need to be set, and what you can be flexible on. For us, our non-negotiable was that our kids were quiet enough not to disturb those around us. For you, the non-negotiables could be that lights are out by 8pm, or that homework needs to be done before dinner.
3. Question everything else. As long as it’s not affecting your non-negotiable limits, it’s up for evaluation. In the context of dinner time battles, that might mean evaluating what you consider to be a full and healthy meal, what time you serve dinner, to what extent you will allow snacks in the lead up to dinner and what snacks are on offer, and what alternatives are available if someone doesn’t like what has been cooked. You don’t have to stay in the box. I’ve heard of people who serve dinner at 4pm because that’s when the kids are hungriest and most willing to try new foods. I have friends who allow unlimited snacking before dinner, but only on the cut-up vegetables with dip that are on the kitchen table. In our family, our kids never have to eat what we’ve prepared, but their only alternative meal is porridge.
4. Involve the kids (if developmentally appropriate) in the brainstorming and implementation phases. For example, through questioning everything you might have realised that the biggest delay for bedtime is the 5-year-old who takes an age to get their pyjamas on. Maybe you could give them the choice between putting on their pyjamas before dinner or going to bed in their tomorrow clothes. Or maybe you can suggest that they’re the mayor of pyjamas and need to make sure everyone is dressed ready for bed before the books can be read. No matter how old they are, their need for autonomy should be respected. If they feel like you’re just doing things to them, they’re likely to push back.
5. Allow a trial period, then re-evaluate. It might take a week or even a month for the initial settling-in phase to pass. Once you’ve had a bit of time to establish the new routine, it’s time to evaluate how it’s working. If everything is great and all your problems are solved, amazing! Otherwise, keep what is working and tweak everything else.
Insanity traps are common. In fact, you’re probably trapped in several right now. Once you start noticing them and realise how pervasive they are you might be tempted to overhaul your life entirely to escape all of them at once. Don’t! Choose the one that is driving you the craziest, work on that, and then once that one is solved move onto another one.
Engaging in a constant cycle of evaluation, tweaking, and minor improvements will get you further than pushing harder ever could. Work smarter, not harder.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! What insanity traps are you stuck in? We’re trying to limit how much food our kids waste, so if you have any ideas about that we’d love to hear them!
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You are so wise, Beck. I always love reading your newsletter articles.