Struggling to move away from punitive discipline
What I learnt from interviewing parents about discipline
Preamble
As many of you know, but some don’t, I am slowly working on a book tackling the misinformation and lies that we are told about how we “should” parent. In researching and writing my book, I’ll be sifting through academic articles and history books, conducting interview with experts and parents alike, and aiming to understand where this misinformation comes from.
I’ll also be identifying the parenting guidance that not only applies to parents now in our current societal context, but the guidance that also makes sense in terms of our evolutionary history, and that caters to our children’s biological, developmental, and psychological needs.
As I work on the book I’ll be occasionally sharing some of the things that I’ve researched (like I’m doing today). This content is accessible only to my paid subscribers. In short, pay for it now (and help support me to research and write this book more quickly), or pay for it when the book is done.
In saying that, there are two other ways to receive this content. The first is through Substack’s subscriber referral program. When you share Lessons Learned, whether through text, email, or social media, you’ll get credit for any new subscribers, resulting in free access to my paid content.
The second is by allowing me to interview you. I’ll be putting out calls every now and then as I look for people and parents with certain types of experience. If that’s you, and you put your hand up for an interview, you’ll get a year’s access to all content.
Now for today’s article.
The struggle to move away from punitive discipline
One in two Australian parents have used physical punishment.
But I don’t think everyone in that group is equal. We could probably break it down into those who (1) think smacking actually works (about 20% of parents with young kids fall in this category). There are probably plenty of other parents who don’t use physical discipline, but use other fear-based techniques such as time-outs and harsh punishments. I’m calling this group the fear-based disciplinarians. And (2) those who don’t think it works, but find themselves doing it anyway. I’ll call them the ‘oh crap, not again’ disciplinarians. I don’t think many fear-based disciplinarians have found themselves onto my mailing list (although if you have, welcome! Please stick around!). Consequently, I’m going to only lightly touch on the science behind why smacking “works”, but why we should still stop relying on it as a disciplinary method. And then I’ll be speaking to the ‘oh crap, not again’ parents.
Yes, fear-based discipline “works”, but…
When I interviewed parents and asked them about their experiences with smacking, one parent nailed it on the head:
“It’s quick. And usually it stops the behaviour straightaway. But no one feels good.”
Decades of science have found the same thing. Fear based discipline works – it forces immediate compliance better than any other disciplinary technique.
But no one feels good doing it. No one puts their child in time out and walks away feeling warm and fuzzy. No one gets smacked and feels an outpouring of love toward the parent who just hit them.
Another parent, who was a recovering smacker, noted:
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