Some babies just don't need much sleep
What I've learned as a parent of 2 low sleep needs babies
When my oldest son was a baby, I felt like a failure.
I didn’t know much about babies, but I knew that they were meant to sleep a lot. As a psychology major at the time, I had done a few subjects talking about the neural mechanics of sleep, as well as the vital importance of sleep for healthy brain function. I knew that sleep was necessary to essentially clean the brain, preparing it for future learning.
Above all, I knew that I needed him to sleep so that I could sleep too.
The problem was that I had a baby who would only nap for 20 minutes at a time during the day. I could stretch it out to 40 minutes if I held him. If my mum held him, he would sleep for over an hour on her squishy, pillowtop mattress belly (her words, not mine).
Bedtime often stretched out for over an hour, as we took turns bouncing and rocking and swaying, or in desperation going for drives around the block in the car. Inevitably he would wake up after his first sleep cycle, and we would have to start the process all over again. My husband and I had defined shifts throughout the night, so that even when he would be awake for long periods overnight, we knew that respite was on the horizon. During my 10pm-4am shift, I read more books than I had for years, and was even able to watch most of the Tour de France live.
The lack of sleep alone would have been bearable. It was the guilt that accompanied it that crippled me.
As is common to parents of new babies, I was frequently asked “Is he a good baby”. I quickly learnt that that was code for “Does he sleep well?” It seemed that my baby was not a ‘good’ baby. On top of that, there were other babies in my new mums group who would routinely nap for 3 hours at a time during the day. Some were sleeping for 13 hours overnight by the time they were just a few months old.
I was sure that the reason my son wasn’t getting ‘enough’ sleep was my fault.
Fast forward almost 5 years, and I was having the same situations all over again, this time with my third baby. While not quite as wakeful, she also doesn’t like to sleep more than 45 minutes during the day. She dropped naps early for her age. She sleeps less in a 24 hour period than most babies her age sleep overnight. In fact, at 17 months she sleeps less in a 24 hour period than my 26 year old sister does sometimes!
And while I might occasionally feel jealous of the mums who can do more than just get their lunch ready or go to the bathroom while their baby naps, I no longer compare myself to them.
By now I’ve realised that there’s nothing wrong with me or my baby.
I just lucked out with two babies with low sleep needs.
Instead of stressing about charts telling me how much sleep my baby needs at each age, I’ve learnt that those charts show an average. A lot of babies sleep a little more or a little less. Some babies sleep a lot more or a lot less.
Getting technical on statistics now, there’s this thing called a normal distribution curve. Right in the middle of the curve is the average, which in this case would be the number of hours on average a baby sleeps. When you’re told, for example, that a newborn sleeps 16 hours a day, this number is the middle of the curve. From there, about 68% of babies would fall within 1 standard deviation away from that average. When a range is given, for example, a newborn sleeps 14-17 hours a day, that number is probably describing that 1 standard deviation. That range might even be describing 2 standard deviations, or 95% of babies. However, that still leaves 5% of babies who need more or less sleep than those ranges. Unfortunately for parents with a baby on the low sleep needs end of the curve, it can feel like your baby is definitely not a good baby.
What the normal distribution feels like
But here’s a really important thing to remember. Your baby can fall anywhere on the curve, and still be a normal baby. They’re just not an average baby.
What the normal distribution actually is
If that’s your baby, let go of the “shoulds” about how much your baby should sleep. If they’re happy, contented, and meeting milestones – they’re fine! Don’t try to make them sleep more if they don’t need it.
While there are downsides to an extra wakeful baby (like having to choose between making lunch or using the bathroom), there are pros too. Low sleep need babies often meet developmental milestones earlier than average because they have more wake time to practice new skills. They’re often more resilient to having a disrupted nap. They cope better with the occasional extra late night when there’s an exciting evening event.
In short, don’t stress about the baby you think you should have. Embrace the one you do have.
Beck xx
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Do you have a low sleep needs baby too? Or did you have a unicorn baby instead?
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Yes! All babies are good babies — but I for sure have empathy for parents with low-sleep-needs infants and toddlers. I need 8.5 hours a night to feel my best. One of my best friends has a baby who at 18 months still prefers 4-6 hours per night, broken into two sleeps. He will nap a couple of times during the day, too. He’s a good and normal baby! (And I would definitely need coping mechanisms if he were in my care).