How many times do I have to ask you???
Once. The answer is once.
“Put on your shoes.”
“Shoes.”
“Put on your shoes!”
“I said PUT ON YOUR SHOES!”
*Parent literally blows up from frustration when they realise that their child still does not have their shoes on.
Has that ever happened to you?
I’m going to assume yes. Kids rarely seem to have their listening ears activated. Or rather, they seem to have hyper-selective hearing, so that they can’t hear our requests for putting on footwear, but they can hear the quietest whisper about ice cream.
We often blame our kid in these moments. We’ve told them what to do. Our request was very clear. We’ve followed the guidance of parenting experts and used a short statement so that they’re not overloaded with information. We remained calm (at least at the start) as we reminded them of our expectations. It’s obviously their fault!
Except, actually it’s not. If you need to repeat yourself, you didn’t communicate clearly the first time.
In fact, you’re making the same mistake that early communication researchers made, which is assuming that communication is linear. That is, you’ve assumed that if you as the sender of the information have encoded the message clearly, you’ve done your job. You’ve clearly told your child to put on their shoes. There can be no mistaking your meaning. Therefore, if your child hasn’t put on their shoes, it’s their own fault. They must be either wilfully ignoring you or defiantly denying you.
Yet communication isn’t linear. Many modern models of communication are transactional models, which means that they understand that sending and responding to information happens simultaneously.
In other words, asking our child to put their shoes on is only a quarter of the communication process. Another quarter involves our child successfully decoding our message and understanding that we want them to put their shoes on now. They also provide feedback to our message, both verbally and non-verbally, by nodding agreement, by saying ok, by moving to put their shoes on, by shrugging their shoulders. And the last quarter involves us receiving their feedback and decoding whether our message was understood as intended.
So if you’ve asked your child to put their shoes on and there’s been no movement, asking again is just going to waste your time and energy. There’s been a breakdown in the communication process.
“Don’t repeat yourself. If you’ve asked once and not had a response, don’t just repeat yourself. You don’t have your child’s attention.”
Dr Laura Markham
Here’s some ideas for making the communication process more successful:
1. Get their attention before you start talking. You can try
- Getting on your child’s level
- Speaking their name
- Making eye contact before talking
- Touching them gently on the shoulder or arm
- Giving them a moment to pause what they’re doing before you start talking
2. Make your communication kid friendly. You can try
- Giving just one instruction at a time
- Keeping your instructions to just a handful of words
- Make the task fun (have a race! Turn it into a game! Make it silly!)
- Asking them what they think is the next step
3. Improve the way they provide feedback. You can try:
- Asking them to repeat back to you what you’ve asked them to do
- Asking them when they will do what you’ve asked
Your kids will still have selective attention. They still will respond much quicker when you ask them if they want ice cream than they will when you ask them to put on their shoes. But these tools will save you the frustration of asking again and again, knowing a better way of moving forward.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! What moments in your daily life do your children’s ears seem to stop working? For me it’s when I ask them to put their dirty socks in the laundry.
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