Bids for connection
A few months ago we had some family photos taken. We were hoping to get some nice photos with the grandparents for Mother’s Day, recreating an old family photo.
Mr 7 (who was 6 at the time), wasn’t having any of it.
He would not stand with us for the photos.
If he did stand with us, he would not stand where we could see him, choosing to hide at the back.
If he did stand somewhere visible, he would not smile.
Eventually we did get some nice photos, but it took a long time to get there.
It’s not the only time he’s been reluctant to join in for a family photo. He wasn’t particularly interested in joining in for our family photos later that year, choosing to make silly faces instead before reaching his limit for joining in at all.
And for his uncle’s wedding, we had the choice of getting him in the photo or getting him to take his fireman jacket off. There was no third option C where he was in the photo while looking like he was at a wedding and not on his way back from the dress up box.
Maybe you’ve got a child who does something similar. They’re happy to smile for the camera at home, but as soon as you’re paying someone else to stand behind the camera, they refuse to even look in the direction of the camera.
Or maybe they get moody at family gatherings, start to misbehave when you’re having guests over for dinner, or suddenly need you to play with them as soon as you jump on a phone call.
If that sounds familiar, you might be asking yourself, ‘What gives? They’re normally so much happier/more independent/less clingy/less demanding. Why are they playing up right now when I just need them to be their normal selves?’
Well, what does give? Why does this happen? Why do they misbehave more in those moments when you just need them to behave?
The answer is simple, and contrary to what your [insert annoying relative here] might say, you shouldn’t just ignore them because they’re only doing it for attention.
They’re making a bid for CONNECTION.
The thing these situations (and many others like them) have in common, is that our attention is focused on other things. We’re preoccupied with getting all the photos done in the 15 minutes we have with the photographer. We’re catching up with relatives we haven’t seen since last Christmas. We’re catering to our guests and focusing on making the evening run smoothly. We’re physically present but our attention is a hundred kilometres away with the person on the other end of the phone line.
Add to that the unfamiliar location, the different behavioural expectations, and the overwhelm of meeting new people, and it’s not surprising that our kids act out.
They feel insecure in their connection with us at that moment, as it feels to them that we are so preoccupied with everything else that we don’t have any attention left for them. Consequently, they make a bid for connection in the way they know will guarantee that we’ll shift our attention back – through misbehaving.
While knowing this answer won’t stop them from acting out in all similar situations in the future, it does give us the tools we need to meet their need for connection – minimising future misbehaviour and helping them get back to acting appropriately in the moment.
Here’s three ways you can use connection to help:
1. Fill up their love cup early.
Before leaving for the photography studio or getting in the car to go to the family reunion, spend 10-15 minutes with your child, giving them 100% of your attention. Play whatever they want to play, laugh with them, and help them know that you delight in being with them. Having their love cup overflowing will provide a buffer for when you can’t give them your undivided attention later.
2. Make eye contact.
When you’re busy, it’s so easy to respond to our kids as quickly as possible, barely looking at them as you say yes, they can have your phone to play with (just leave me alone while I finish dishing up dinner!). But pausing for just one second to look at your child while you respond to them can have a huge pay off, saving you minutes of dealing with misbehaviour or even meltdowns later.
3. Promise to meet their need for connection soon.
You can’t just hang up on your call, but you can let your child know that you’ll be ready to play with them in 15 minutes. Ask them to set up a board game, or get the blocks out, so that you can play with them as soon as you’re done. Then follow through. This gives them something constructive to do that goes towards giving them what they want – time with you – in a way that is mutually beneficial.
Doing these things won’t prevent or stop all instances of disconnection-induced misbehaviour. But it will feel better for both of you than ignoring them, scolding them, or punishing them. And it will get you back to feeling connected and calm quicker too.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Where is the most inconvenient place your child has made a bid for connection?
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