I’ve chatted with a few of my mum friends lately, and realised that they have experiences that sound entirely familiar to my own. However, I’m not suggesting that these experiences are universal. I’m also sensitive to the fact that not all mums are the primary caregivers, and that there are plenty of truly amazing stay at home dads. But I think these feelings are common enough that this is a conversation that many parents should have with one another.
So today, I’ll be penning a letter to Mums, and one to Dads.
Dear Mums
I know what it’s like. You love your husband/partner. He’s a great dad. But… he just doesn’t do things the way you do. Sometimes that’s ok. It doesn’t really matter that the kids’ clothes aren’t coordinated, or that the character voices in the books sound different to yours.
But sometimes it does matter. It might seem like you’re being pedantic when you say that the toast needs to be cut into fingers. But you’ve made a lot of toast, and you know that it’s the only way your 6 year old will eat toast at the moment with all those wobbly teeth at the front. He might think that toast triangles are a perfectly acceptable option, but from trial and error, you know that it’s probably not going to be ok.
So you make the suggestion to do things differently. And he gets upset. Maybe your partner says that you’re being controlling or micro-managing. Or maybe he just discounts your advice altogether and ignores it, thinking that he knows just as well as you do. Whatever it is, it hurts. You really do know what you’re talking about.
You have more practice, more experience. Why can’t he see that? For every hour he is with the kids, you’re there 2, 4, or maybe even 10 hours more. You know their preferences for food, clothes, books, and games because you’re there seeing it all. You’ve made mistakes, and now that you’ve figured out what they like and need, you want to pass the knowledge on so he doesn’t have to make the same mistakes.
You just want to help!
But today I’m going to encourage you to step back.
Unless you know it’s going to trigger a massive meltdown, let him make those mistakes. He will learn. And the kids will learn. They might even come to like the way he does things. They can at least acknowledge that it’s ok that mum and dad do things differently.
When you step back, you can also see the strengths your partner brings to the table. He has different insights, exactly because he’s not with the kids as much. You might be stuck in a rut trying to work through something with the kids, and with his fresh eyes he might be able to help you get out of it.
He has different strengths. Embrace those. They don’t have to look the same as your strengths.
He also has weaknesses. Allow him to work on those himself. He will gain more confidence from being able to figure things out on his own.
I know it’s hard. I know that you have a lot of knowledge to be shared. And I hope that you can be recognised for being the expert on your kids that you are.
But if you always step in, your partner is learning the wrong message. Instead of gaining confidence in your knowledge and abilities, he is losing confidence in his own. And over time, he won’t step up anymore.
To make a great partnership, he needs to feel as though he is contributing in meaningful ways. So please, trust the process, trust your partner, and allow him to make mistakes, to learn and grow, to figure things out himself. I promise that it will get better over time!
Beck xx
Dear Dads
You’re home with the kids, and you’ve been looking forward to spending some time together. But it’s only been an hour since you got home from work and already you feel like you’re doing it wrong. Your wife is telling you how to cut the toast! For goodness’ sake, you know how to make toast! It feels like she’s micromanaging you.
And maybe she is. But here’s something I’m going to ask you to try to remember.
She spends a lot of time with your kids. In many ways, she knows them much better than you do. Through experience, she knows that toast in fingers is the only way your kid will eat toast with all those wobbly teeth at the moment. She’s not trying to make your life harder by telling you what to do. Maybe she’s not saying it in a way that feels helpful, but she is just trying to help.
You might not really think about it, but she spends hours with the kids than you do every day. Maybe right now, parenting is even her full-time job. She works hard at it. There’s a good chance she does a lot more ‘professional development’ in parenting than you do too, either through reading books, listening to podcasts, or subscribing to newsletters like this one. When it comes to your kids, she is the expert.
So when she shares some advice with you, she’s not trying to control you. She’s just trying to share some of her hard-won knowledge. See, over the years she’s made a lot of mistakes. She’s offered the wrong coloured cup, and cut the toast into triangles, and pre-peeled the bananas… only to be met with tantrums and resistance. She has learnt the hard way about the preferences and needs of your kids.
When she shares something with you, she is trying to help you avoid making those same mistakes.
Here’s what I want you to do. Let her know that you realise that she has more knowledge. Remind her that you’re doing your best, but to keep learning you need to be able to make mistakes. Ask her, very kindly, to allow you to make those mistakes by stepping back as much as she can.
And when she does offer you advice, please try to gracefully accept it. Try to see her as the expert in the field that she is. She really does have a lot more knowledge and practical experience than you realise. And when you discount the expertise she has, it makes her feel unvalued, unappreciated, and unimportant.
Validate her. Value her knowledge. Embrace her expertise.
Make mistakes. Keep trying.
It will get better.
Beck xx