Have you ever caught up with a friend you haven’t seen for a while, asked them how they’re going, and they’ve told you what their children have been up to?
They tell you that Johnny has joined his first soccer team and is loving his first year of school. Then they tell you that Max is finally potty trained and that they’re trying to childproof the backyard because he’s learnt to climb the retaining wall by scaling up the side of the mud kitchen. You share a few more pleasantries, send love to their family, and end the conversation with absolutely zero information about what’s new for them personally.
Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you got a friend like that, one whose life seems to revolve around those of their children? Or maybe you’re squirming inside, because you know that you’ve been that parent, eager to tell others about what your kids are learning and achieving, yet not so quick to share the details of your own life. I know that I’ve definitely been that person at times.
The thing is that, as Dr Shefali wrote in her book The Conscious Parent, “Unless you are fulfilled, you will use your child to complete you.”
Finding fulfillment is not easy. In researching his book All It Takes Is A Goal, Jon Acuff discovered that only 4% of people feel as though they are fulfilling their potential. Half of those interviewed felt that 50% of their potential was untapped. Most people are a long way away from feeling fulfilled. Additionally, the way we find fulfillment changes over the course of our lives. Where most people feel as though they would be fulfilling their potential through pursuing status and prestige, parents of young children temporarily switch to finding fulfillment in caring for their children.
Sacrificing time and energy to care for young children is inevitable. The demandingness of being a carer of a young child saps a lot of physical and mental energy, leaving less available for the pursuit of other interests. Allowing your old projects and passions to take a backseat for a while is to be expected once you become a parent.
Yet if your life is devoid of projects and passions that excite you, you’ll find it slowly filling with shuttling your kids to the projects and practices that excite them. Or worse, you’ll find yourself shuttling your kids to projects and practices that excite you.
Again, you probably know someone who does that. The person who signs their child up to violin lessons at the age of 3 or starts their 5-year-old in competitive soccer because they’re unconsciously trying to fulfill their own potential by pushing their child to fulfill theirs. Again, maybe you’re squirming because you recognise a spark of yourself in this description.
Unfortunately for both parent and child, this type of pressure rarely leaves either party feeling genuinely fulfilled. I think of this scene from the movie A Cinderella Story (one of the few movies I’m happy to watch on repeat):
The trap is that we are often unaware that we’re seeking fulfillment through our children. We unconsciously project our own interests and desires onto our children, even estimating their intelligence based on our self-rating of our own intelligence. Without even thinking about it, we assume that they like the same things we do and should be able to achieve the same sort of accolades that we did.
Therefore, to avoid using your child to complete you, you need to bring these unconscious assumptions to consciousness. For example, if you’re thinking about signing your child up to bush kinder or art discovery classes, pause and ask yourself first: Have they expressed an interest in this activity? Do I genuinely think they’ll enjoy it more than having free time for other exploration? Am I signing them up because it’s an activity I would enjoy? Is there a part of me that is doing this because I wish that I’d had this opportunity as a child?
If the answer to these questions indicates that you might be pushing this activity more for you than for them, it may be a hint that you could use a similar activity to find your own fulfillment. Maybe you could consider joining a hiking club yourself. Maybe it’s time to bring those acrylics and canvases out of storage. If you can’t find the time to enjoy those activities without your kids, it’s ok to bring them along. Join a mums and bubs walking group or set up a painting station for your child next to your own painting station. However, remember that you’re doing this activity for you.
Our children will benefit from seeing us connect with our passions. To share some wisdom from Mr Rogers:
“Knowing that we’re valued and being in the presence of people who want to share with us something of this world that they love are the two most important ingredients of education.”
I learnt how to tell the difference between a rainbow lorikeet and a crimson rosella from being in the presence of someone who loves birdwatching. I learnt how to identify chickweed by going for a walk with someone who loves foraging. My desire to learn how to play piano started after spending time with someone who loved to practice the piano during their free time. These people were simply doing something that brought them joy and inner fulfillment. They didn’t intend to push me into fulfilling my potential by developing mastery in these skills. Yet seeing their love for their passions sparked something in me, and my exploration in these areas has led me to lead a more fulfilling life.
We can find inner fulfillment by re-engaging with those projects and passions that excited us before our lives became a whirlwind of changing nappies, folding laundry, and preparing snacks. We can support our children to find their own inner fulfillment by allowing them time and space to explore their own interests and exposing them to people who take delight in exploring theirs.
Then the next time you bump into an old friend, I hope you can share with them something more than just a summary of what your children have been up to. I hope you tell them about the pottery class you joined, or the book you devoured in a weekend, or the half marathon you just ran (I know I’m not the only one who recently tackled a goal like this! Tell me how you went in the comments).
I'd love to hear your thoughts! What is new for you? And more importantly, do you still have a crush on Chad Michael Murray?
Oh, and before you go
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PS. For those curious, my half marathon went… ok. The scenery was beautiful, the company was excellent, but I didn’t quite make my goal time. (I trained really hard, but things didn’t quite go as expected on the day… I didn’t fulfill my potential!) So I’m already planning on entering the same event next year.