If you’ve consumed any amount of parenting related content, you’ve probably come across the concept of special time (or any of its many synonyms). The idea is simple – spend a short amount of time regularly completely focused on your child. The promises are big – drastic reductions in negative behaviours and a more cooperative child.
“If we don’t make the investment in Mind, Body & Soul Time, we’re going to spend at least the same amount of time, but usually more, dealing with negative behaviours such as whining, tantrums and power struggles.”
Amy McCready
“Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love or we spend the time dealing with the behaviours caused from their unmet needs. Either way we spend the time.”
Pamela Leo
However, if you’re anything like me, you might have struggled to implement special time. Every parenting expert seems to have their own formula for what it should look like, from Dr Laura Markham’s 10 minutes daily completely following the child’s lead, to Dr John Gottman’s structured and consistent rituals of connection. Each suggest different rules: no screens, no reading, make sure you roughhouse for special time regularly, end with a timer, don’t end with a timer, only do it when there is someone else present to watch your other kids to minimize interruptions, take turns deciding what to do, always let your child decide what to do, aim for twice a day, 10 minutes daily, 20 minutes daily, always at the same time each day….
Personally, it all felt overwhelming. Even as a stay-at-home mum homeschooling my kids, I just couldn’t seem to fit special time in. I was spending hours with my kids daily, connecting with them individually whenever the opportunity arose, roughhousing regularly, reading together before bed, cuddling them to sleep, and engaging in daily rituals. Was I really missing out by not doing dedicated special time?
Well, after struggling with some intense big feelings from my middle child, I decided to experiment with adding special time to our day.
Here’s what I found.
What didn’t work:
- Spontaneous special time
I originally thought that it would be easiest to do special time whenever I noticed that two of my kids were playing nicely together, so that I could whisk the third one away without disrupting the happy playtime that was going on. It didn’t work. I was often left with one or more kids who still hadn’t done special time by the time dinner rolled around, and trying to squeeze special time in during the already busy nightly routine.
- No reading
At first, I tried to avoid reading to my kids during special time. But the only other thing my eldest wanted to do was play Kraken Attack or Catan Junior, which meant that we either started games without enough time to finish them or had to extend our special time and disrupt the rest of the day’s rhythm.
- Screen free alternate activities for the other kids
Given that waiting for my husband to be home to do special time meant that special time practically never happened, I wanted to find other ways of engaging my kids’ attention while I was doing special time with just one of them. I tried setting up other activities, like play dough (which I wasn’t comfortable letting my toddler eat on a daily basis), painting (I’m not built for regularly cleaning up after arts and crafts), or pulling out blocks (which only sometimes worked).
What did work:
- Building special time into our morning routine
We now do special time every morning, straight after breakfast has been cleared away and the laundry put away. On the days we need to leave the house early and don’t have time in the morning, we slot it in as soon as we get home.
- Completely following my kids’ suggestions
My eldest has really enjoyed having me read aloud the Deltora Quest series. We also have our rituals of connection on either side of reading, like our race up the stairs to be the first one on to his bed, and debriefing after the chapter to guess what will happen next. My other kids are a bit more varied, alternating between reading, kicking a ball around, wrestling, jumping on the trampoline (although they mostly like me to just watch them do tricks), or building with blocks.
- Allowing screen time for the other kids
We’re generally a low screen time family, but I let the other kids play Kahn Academy kids on my phone while I’m doing special time. This works great for two reasons, 1 – it keeps everyone engaged while they’re waiting for their turn, and 2 – there’s something else to look forward to when special time ends.
The outcome:
So, did adding special time to our days eliminate all negative behaviours?
No.
BUT
It does minimise the intensity of the angry outbursts (we’re more likely to have tears than an angry explosion involving hitting and slamming doors).
It does make it easier for me to deal with the negative behaviours when they do arise, because I have some positive interactions in the bank to remind me that my kids aren’t always angry tyrants.
It does give us a chance to strengthen our individual relationships, instead of it always being me engaging with all of them at once.
It does give them a moment of complete autonomy, instead of having to compromise with their siblings.
Making time for special time hasn’t been easy. It’s a guaranteed 30 minutes out of my day that I don’t always feel that I have time for. But it has been so worth it!
If special time isn’t already part of your daily or weekly routine, I suggest giving it a go. Experiment with it, finding what works for your family.
“Every parent I know who has started doing Special Time with his or her child has told me that they see significant changes in their child's behavior. Parents often say that their child seems to respond to it as if they've been missing an essential nutrient…Special Time is the antidote for parents and children, an essential nutrient that heals the upsets and disconnections of daily modern life.”
Dr Laura Markham
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Have you tried special time? How does it work in your family?
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